The 5 types of AI startups you meet in hell
Let’s be honest: not all AI startups are created equal. Some are pushing boundaries, breaking ground, and changing the world. The others? Well, they’re just really good at burning money, stretching buzzwords like taffy, and building vibes instead of products. In this post, I’m diving into the beautifully unhinged world of AI startups you’ll find somewhere between Silicon Valley and the seventh circle of hell.
👨💻 1. The buzzword bro
"Our quantum blockchain AI is revolutionizing synergy in the cloud."
Pitch deck: 35 slides, 33 of which say “disruptive”
Actual product: A slide deck
Team: Two MBAs and a dream
Funding: Somehow raised $20M and spent it all on branded hoodies, Pellegrino, and vibe lighting
👻 2. The stealth mode cult
"We’re not ready to say what we do yet."
Website: Black background, white serif logo, zero information
Twitter bio: “Ex-DeepMind | Ex-Anthropic | Existence is optional”
Actual team: 3 people and 1 mystical Notion doc
Product: TBD. Forever.
🤖 3. The demo God
"Just look at the demo. Don’t... click it."
Demo: Flawless—but only when the moon is full and Mercury is in retrograde
Tech stack: 50% OpenAI API, 50% duct tape
Response to bugs: “It worked yesterday, swear.”
QA process: Their roommate “played around with it once”
🧙♂️ 4. The prompt oracle
"It’s not a product—it’s a vibe-driven prompt experience."
Business model: Selling Notion templates for $39.99
Ethics policy: “Don’t be evil, unless it boosts reach”
Startup stage: Eternal pre-seed, eternal optimism
Favorite phrase: “LLMs are mirrors. What do you see?”
💼 5. The corporate cosplayer
"We’re AI-first, but we also offer enterprise-ready legacy solutions with real-time synergy."
Target market: B2B CFOs who don’t understand AI
Tech: A chatbot glued to a CRM
Product photos: iStock images of people laughing at whiteboards
Biggest fear: Actual innovation
💀 Final thoughts
They’re all hiring a Head of AI. They don’t have one. And they never will.
